Forgivers & Lovers in Lasting Marriage (II)

True Test of Love: Memory Test

Many people claim that the most important factor for successful marriage is love, but the most important factor in marriage is not love but knowledge. The knowledge of God, the knowledge of the mind of God for marriage, the knowledge of each other’s strength and weaknesses, the knowledge of how to handle offences when they come; knowledge, I insist is the most important factor in marriage. This includes the knowledge of what it means to love the one to whom one is joined together in marriage.

The true test of love is in what it keeps records of and what it keeps off-record in the marriage relationship.

The Bible in 1 Cor. 13 says, “love does not keep record of evil”. This is a strange kind of love. It is a forgetful love; forgetful when it comes to wrongdoings that are suffered in the marriage relationship. It does not save the history of hurts in its memory, rather, it saves the marriage from becoming history while the two ‘lovers’ live. People have argued about the possibility of forgetting hurts in forgiveness. They do not argue with the need to forgive, but most people have concluded that you may forgive, but you can never forget the wrongdoing you suffered from. While that sounds good, it is not right. Is it possible to forgive without forgetting? No, it is not! Forgiveness is not overlooking matters; it is overriding them with gracious acts. As long as the memory of hurts exists, hurts exist, and as long as hurts exist, the mental, physical and emotional as well as spiritual effects of those hurts continue to exist. This is the major cause of unforgiveness – memory. God forgives us therefore, by remitting the sin, not just pardoning it. So, in Isaiah God says, I will forgive your iniquity and your sin, I will remember no more.

Why does God forgive sin and why does He have to forget them? Because even for God, as long as the memory of sin exists, the sinner is not truly free. He says, “I will have to blot out the sin as if they were never committed in order for the sinner to be able to come freely as saints.” This is the pattern of forgiveness that God shows us and we must follow that pattern. So it is not enough to say, I forgive you, we must go on to be able to consciously wipe off the memory of that sin.

How do you practically achieve that?

The task here is to forget the sin, not the incident. Unless there is dementia, it is not possible to forget the incident that hurts us so deeply, but it is practically possible to forget how much it did hurt. It is therefore the sin you forget, not necessarily the scene.

For instance, your spouse did speak about you in a way that you felt demeaned in the presence of his family. The date or the picture of that event may not be blotted out of your memory, but after you have told him how you felt, and he has apologized for how he made you feel by what he said, you may now forgive him.

1. Forgive the sinner

To forgive, in this case, means you have pardoned them and there will be nothing that you will do or not do, say or not say, as a result of how they made you feel that day.

2. Forget the Sin, not the Scene

To forget the sin means that you will not consciously bring yourself into the thoughts of how it felt the day your spouse spoke about you in a rude way. Forgetting means that even though you still remember, it never hurts as it once did anymore.

3. Remember for Good

If it is possible, you want to remember that day and think of how the process of dealing with the offence brought you closer as you went through the forgiveness process. This is a practical way to keep the sin out of the scene for forgiveness to completely take place through forgetting.

4. Focus on Good Memories

The ability to forget sin is greatly enhanced by what you choose to remember and focus upon. Focus on good memories – The first day you set your eyes on your lover, and how they made you feel; your first kiss and how wonderful it felt, if it did. There are so many moments in your marriage that must be etched perpetually in the mind for remembering.