Forgivers & Lovers in Lasting Marriage (III)

How to Stay in Marriage as Forgivers, not Just Lovers

1. Leave Room for Offence: Many people come into marriage never expecting their spouse would ever offend them or do wrong. This is an expectation that is too much for any human being to fulfil. Jesus said that it is impossible for offence to not come and He warned his disciples that offence will come. As long as you are going to marry a human, give them space to offend you. I don’t mean that you should let them hurt you, but you should let them know that you will not fight them as a foe when they do but if at all, you will only fight them as a friend. This is a way to let them be human. I learn a lot from Christ, and I think every believer should. Imagine eating with Judas knowing that he was going to betray him. Also think of Jesus, knowing that Peter was going to deny him three time in one single evening, yet he prayed for him. This means all the while that He was relating with them, he was relating with them with knowledge. Couples should develop the same attitude towards one another. Your man is a man at the very best. The best of men come with their unique flaws. Learn that flaw carefully and while you prayerfully anticipate them to live up to the expectation of being great spouses, sometimes the journey to that great spouse may not be all that great all year long.
2. Leave Room for Honesty: The reason there is a lot of betrayals in marriages and a sense of the need to hide from one another is because one spouse does not like for their partner to be naked. Never mock the nakedness of your partner. Well, while people’s naked body comes in all shapes and sizes, and with unimaginable flaws once the clothes are off, home is a place where those clothes can safely come off. Keeping it like that can be one of the best ways to keep forgiveness in the house. If you are thinking what I am thinking, the first husband and wife to ever live, Adam and Eve were both naked, and they had no need to be ashamed. This is why spouses must make their presence a home for their spouse not only to expose their bodily flaws, but also to expose their character flaws. When there is no room for honesty, what happens is that one little offence would rather lead to a bigger one in the process of attempting to hide themselves from their spouse. Do not exaggerate your spouse’s weakness, when you do, you shut down the opportunity to see them further. Forgiveness helps you to achieve that. The one that is forgiven much loves more. Forgiveness when properly extended, achieves far greater loving experiences for the family.
3. Be Quick to See Your Faults

This definitely applies a lot in marriage that in any other relationships. Many people look in the mirror for the wrong reasons. Usually, most people check the mirror to see what they already know. They are this gorgeous, good looking and attractive personality. While that is not always a bad thing but looking at the mirror to see what you may be missing is a better reason to look in the mirror. This is how you will be able to quickly make adjustment of the bogus things hanging on your face. Being quick to see own faults, if possible, before the partner tells you is a very good way to handle forgiveness in marriage. It is easy to be the offender and calling for quick forgiveness from the offended partner, but as a loving partner, it is better to help the offended partner go through forgiveness the easiest way possible. One way to help, is to say ‘sorry’ as soon as you realize you did something wrong.

4. Be sorry and Say So

It is not enough to say sorry. Too many ‘sorries’ in a marriage can make the marriage a sorry marriage. But it is important to be sorry before you say it. To be sorry means to demonstrate a repentant spirit and heart in a way that proves to your spouse that you are indeed sorry. Then, saying so becomes a confirmation of your repentance.

5. Respect their response to your sorry and give them time

Sometimes you hear things like, “I have said sorry, what else do you expect me to say or do? Or what else do you want?” This is a very disrespectful way to apologize for anything and to anyone talk much of the one you offended, and you ought to love and respect. What that does is to display arrogance and disregard for the feeling of the other person. Sorry actually does not work like magic. Expecting someone to take your sorry as soon as you say it, and then to jump on you and smiling and laughing with you as if nothing happened is like expecting your pregnant wife to give birth to a child in 3 months. Of course, let us hope that forgiving that offence will not last for nine months, but at least let it be up to 12 hours. The bottom line is, give them time to heal and to respond to your apology and repentance. The Scriptural guideline to managing anger is before sundown.

In the issues of marital unfaithfulness, the Bible recommends that this is a ground for which divorce may rightly take place. This is because sexual activity outside of the marriage union is a natural separation between a man and his wife. This means that the one who joins himself to another person apart from the one to which they are marriage are naturally already separated from their spouse, because they have been joined to another as one. However, it is the prerogative of the offended spouse to bring the spouse back together as husband and wife; there is not binding spiritual obligation on them. They may forgive and let them go, or forgive and bring them back into their lives.

Read Matthew 5

Marriage works only because people make it work. One of the hard work in marriage that is worth all the practice and patience is the practice of staying forgivers, it makes staying lovers easier.